I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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