Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
