i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I need to stop coming to work sober
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Church boner. Awkwardddd
No subtext here. People are naked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
