there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
