I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
