I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
