On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
