at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
