I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
