you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
did i walk over a car last night?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
