Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
