I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
