I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
