I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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