i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
