I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
