I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
