I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
