you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
