Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
