Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
