If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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