How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
