I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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