I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Mom said you looked used
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
