I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
