Screwed.edu
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
