My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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