So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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