I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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