i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
