do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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