I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
