I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
