Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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