hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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