Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You need Xanax blowdarts
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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