He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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