My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
