guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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