i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
