I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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