you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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