ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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