I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
