There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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