She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
