woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
