party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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