Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
