shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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