My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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