You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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