wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
